updates, i of iii
all about ashlyn
the lost fashion assassin files

Let's tackle the first question. Ashlyn's social life. What happened to the boyfriend she was dating? He's gone and hopefully never to return. He was a prince for two weeks and then it went all downhill. It became an abusive relationship very fast and I wanted her out of it more than anything. At the same time, she had to be the one to severe the ties...I couldn't do it for her. I could guide her and give her instruction but anything more was up to her. She broke up with him several times through the summer but always took him back because he could never quit snotting and crying over it. He would cry for days and blow up her cell, the house phone, our cell, email, Xbox, etc. until she answered and took him back. He was the very antithesis of the perfect Emo Douche-Bag. He was negative, controling, manipulative, deceptive, demanding, jealous, possessive, and all-consuming. He was insecure in a way that you couldn't make secure, it was like a 24/7 job that no one could ever step up to. It was beyond overwhelming. He was beyond needy. He needed so much and had to take up so much space that there was no room in the relationship for anyone but him. He did all the taking and absolutely no giving. She gave until she was so stressed that she was physically in ill health or totally emotionally tapped out with nothing left to give. He never had any respect for her or how she felt, he argued about everything until she was too tired to care anymore from the exhaustion of debate. He would fatigue her with analyzing things that weren't there to analyze and looking for emotions, feelings, reasons, and things that were never there. He would isolate her from her friends and make sure she spent time with absolutely no one but him. He even competed for first place with us as her family by calling her early in the AM to control her day and often we weren't aware of those early AM phone calls until they turned into full scale arguments around mid-morning, when you could hear her arguing from her room via cell before she ever stepped outside of it to say, "Good morning."

The icing on the cake was when he started telling people they were having sex they were not having. Ashlyn is still very much a virgin and her purity is everything to her. So much so, you won't catch her exposing much skin not even in the name of fashion or sports. For her to find out that this kid was talking about groping her in ways that she would've planted him on his ass for really pissed her off. For her to find out that he had said he popped her cherry and they were having sex more than infuriated her, there was no climbing down from that. She still hasn't come down from that. There were many other deal breakers for her outside of this as well as what you've read but the sex thing, really brought it all to a screeching halt. Of course, it happened on the heels of or about the same time she started to talking to another young man who seems to have a vested interest in her. And just how deep that interest, how far it goes, what he wants from her or why he wants anything from her...I don't know. (shrugs) All I can say is that it's been a very positive interaction she's had with him and it made her find her footing again. As if all the time she was in recovery from martial art injuries she didn't know how to stand because she literally physically wasn't standing...? Make sense? (sigh) That aside, this other young man is a good influence on Ashlyn and she values whatever it is that is between them. We are being careful in trying not to slap labels on it but I definitely have my ideas about it. Ideas about where it will wind up and whether or not they will always be in each other's lives as long distance friends or otherwise.

crib to college
hey there delilah - her right of passage
fashion assassin files

Where do I even begin? I said I was going to be writing more and yet I've posted absolutely nothing. Teenage angst and drama is to blame for that. Honestly, it's been hard for me to find the time to write because of the whirlwind that has taken place in our home with two hearts beating as one in forbidden twitterpation. So taking a deep breath, this is the reason for my absence from online in all my usual haunts.

Ashlyn has a group of guys she games with, about six to be exact. It can be said she's an aggressive gamer and her stats are relatively good. She gets quite a few friend requests on XBox Live as a result of other gamers viewing her profile or playing against her and having their asses handed back to them on a silver platter by her regardless of their age or skill. She has been known to run with a "who's who" in the world of gaming but often prefers that one core group of about six guys.

And then the six guys became seven, and that caused a commotion. The new guy and Ashlyn together got along well, too well for the comfort of the other six. Their gaming style was one in the same as was their leadership skill in battle. The friendship of the other six with Ashlyn turned into ownership as each tried to jockey for position with her to fill a strange insecurity that had come over the group. Ashlyn spent time reassuring them and some more than others that their friendship wouldn't be affected by the new guy. The next several weeks passed by and the insecurities grew beyond anything Ashlyn could calm and as they all began to turn on one another, the friends became "frenemies." It started with friendly fire that had a little sting when they had verbal exchanges with one another but soon they were sniping each other in the game and there was no more "team" it was individual assassination. And then it turned into a full-on war and Ashlyn was the achievement, Ashlyn and her friendship or romantic interest was what was to be won. After they had all turned on each other and one-by-one as they came forward to ask her to be their girlfriend and as she refused them one-by-one, they began to turn on her. The kill online and offline was brutal because each carried a wounded ego by their fellow gamer/friend and also in being refused by Ashlyn so they wanted to wound her in return. And wound her they did. They regularly call her whore, slut, bitch, etc. and sent threatening messages and emails. When that wasn't enough, they resorted to stalking her online.

Of the six young men, only two remained faithful until two became one. Ashlyn spilled tears daily for many days as we gathered gamer information and began contacting each young man's parent as well as XBox to bring it to a halt. Through it all, the new guy (number seven) kept contact with Ashlyn and rose to her defense and quite often she sought protection from him and found it while gaming. This was a bonus to the friendship they had already developed gaming together before things turned really ugly in the group. They exchanged cell phone numbers and their gaming relationship and online friendship went to an entirely different level the moment each of them saw a picture of the other. Now the attraction of the last several weeks was no longer just about gaming or an online flirtation or phone flirtation as is the case with kids and the "right of passage" into the world of attraction to the opposite sex. What was already pretty solid and in place before physically seeing what the other looked like became even more real and began to grow despite the "no boyfriends until your fourteen years of age" rule in Ashlyn's home. (She has has one more year to go before she's fourteen years of age.)

The two of them talked nonstop on the phone and blew up their cell phones with texting. They greeted each other fuzzily in the morning with froggy morning voices from their beds across the city and whispered goodnight to each other at curfew as if they were married and separated by distance. The bond was so great between them that even when there was a disagreement, they argued very sincerely much like a married couple complete with irritation, apologies, and forgiveness. The two of them graduated to special names for one another known only by them. And to their credit it was nothing like, "Pooky" or "Snookums." It was so very Almonzo Wilder and Laura Ingalls. Four days into the special terms of endearment and after several weeks of relationship separated by distance had passed, this young man sent this video below to Ashlyn. It happens to be one of her all-time faves but the lyrics for both of them now had new found meaning in one another. And as I sat and watched the video and listened to the song, I was struck with how serious the attachment had become between the two of them and that the bond had grown very deep, very fast. And yet oddly enough, I had complete peace though others continually tried to unseat that peace and give me unrest.

Watch this video, it's beautiful.

Ashlyn and I talked after I watched her watch the video as she shed a few tears about the hurt from the other guys that had been her friends who she ended friendships with and because this young man's gesture to send her this song and tell her that it would be alright went to the very core of her being. For the first time ever after watching the video of one of her favorites, she really opened up about how she felt about this young man. Once again I was struck by the maturity and the measure of emotion. I met her with reservation because he's older than her but understanding his attraction to her because she is an "old soul" and mature beyond her years. He is not the first older boy to like her. I spoke directly with him and said that this could be nothing but a summer fling because school is starting in two months and since he goes to public school and there will four classes of new girls everywhere in those halls and he may find some he likes and that would be perfectly normal and okay. He said he is not THAT kind of guy. I say at his age they all are and he says he will sincerely prove me wrong. I doubt it. [shrugs] I told him though Ashlyn goes to homeschool she will also be around hundreds of other young men through the school year in youth group because her church supports one of the largest and most popular church youth groups in the state of Alaska. I told him she will also be in close contact with them as a result of sports and martial arts being a contact sport and the situation is the same for her as it is for him and possible attraction to other young people. He said he's not worried about it. Ooh the confidence of youth. [winks and grins] So... [sighs] I took a step forward and allowed the two of them to see each other in person for the first time after having such an attachment over the phone for several weeks (about two months). They spent four hours together and the writing was all over the wall and there was no denying it. I wanted to find reasons not to like this boy while chaperoning the two of them and I couldn't because he'd had her best interest at heart from the first day he met her several weeks ago and more than proved it while he was in her company. And God was strangely silent. I wanted Him to tell me "no" or at least reasons why Ashlyn shouldn't be with this young man through scriptures I'd read and time spent in prayer on my knees begging Him to intervene for Ashlyn in this situation. I just didn't expect Him to intervene as an advocate for her.

Here before me was the moment I had been trying to avoid knowing it was coming. I could lose her forever in one fell swoop with denying her what her heart wanted and in so doing, set the precedent for tough teenage years ahead. She's a strong willed girl and she has a double dose of that from both her father and myself. I could choose to rule with an iron fist and risk having her doing whatever it took to see this young man or talk to him "behind our backs" or I could ask God for help and in so doing, give her what her heart wanted and guide her through it hoping if it ends she won't be a train wreck of emotions. Hoping if it ended that God was there to help pick up the pieces after young love.

I talked to Big Daddy about it and shed many tears for her and in turning this part of her life over to the Lord and asking God to be there every step of the way for her and for me as I guide her through this. 

I shed tears because we are giving these two what their hearts want.

We are giving this young man his Delilah (like the song) and his fortune as a result of our choice will be different than the real fortune of the songwriter when he wrote this song.

This is so hard, there is no rule book for this and this is child number one. I hope it's easier for child number two.

[sighs]

news, views, & reviews
hawthorne
a television review

"Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue." It's the tradition for every bride getting married and it seems as if TNT was trying to bring the tradition to life once again for it's new breakout show, Hawthorne. Which I have to say, didn't break out and grab anything including my attention and I'm sure the attention of other viewers as well. The program centers around a widowed single parent who is overworked, underpaid and unappreciated in her position as head nurse at the local hospital. Our wounded heroine's name is Christina Hawthorne, played by actress Jada Pinkett. Christina is the hospital's resident Wonder Woman but our superhero has a very unattractive wounded sense of self. Equally irritating is her self-important and self-imposed false martyr complex which we are led to believe is what her deceased husband found so endearing. The cause of her husband's death is not made clear but what is made clear is that she sustains herself daily through a more than disconnected relationship with her teenage daughter, Camille, and a preferrerd non-existent relationship with her mother-in-law by conversating with her dead husband throughout the day as if he is still alive. This type of plot has been exhausted one too many times by writers. Such a dinasour of a plot indeed that it is deserving of an equally old coined phrase, "as old as the hills and twice as dusty." The snore factor for this program is "off-the-hook." Not only should the writers have been fired but so should have the leading cast member from the very beginning. Are we really to believe that one of Hollywood's most spirited, independent, and expressive actresses would for one moment be believable in this lead role? Hello, are we talking about the same Jada? Jada Pinkett is not credible in this passive-aggressive role simply by the conflict of lifestyle and views she brings behind and off camera as well as her choices in roles played in front of the camera.

It's just pathetic at best.

That being said, let's talk about the reasons one may want to tune in and view Hawthorne outside of it's archaic plot and poor choice of actress in a leading role. How many of you remember Jillian Armenante as Donna Kozlowski in the cancelled CBS program, Judging Amy? Jillian appeared in twenty-four of one hundred thirty-eight episodes and even though we didn't see her weekly, Jillian was brilliant as a character actress bringing Donna Kozlowski to life. It looks as if Jillian might be shining once again in a small bit part role as part of the regular cast of Hawthorne. And let's talk about eye candy. If your a guy then perky blonde Nurse Candy who has a sexual thing for soldiers played by Christina Moore is reason enough for you. If your a girl and you like "men in charge," then Dr. Tom Wakefield played by Michael Vartan is reason enough for you. Adding a little bit of gawk to the eye candy is the ethnic beauty of Nurse Bobbie Jackson played by Suleka Matthew, who creates the gawk factor in sporting a metal prosthetic leg.

If your beyond shallow and eye candy just doesn't do it for you -- and your still looking for a hint of redemption in my review, then let me tell you why I may possibly view another episode in the future though I'm not making any promises. There were stolen traces from NBC's recently cancelled e.r. throughout Hawthorne's pilot. Certain elements were all too familiar from a little bit of Dr. Mark Greene's "setting the tone" to Nurse Carol Hathaway imprinted all over Christina Hawthorne's character to set props that looked as if they came straight from County General. I found the e.r. rips insulting and wonder what else they may attempt to steal next. Forever the critic, of course I tuned in to view Hawthorne to watch Jada Pinkett as a fan of the whole Will Smith machine. I knew he would be and will be ghost directing his wife's show as well as making a few appearances in the background. So I thought I had something to look forward to. I was sorely disappointed in the premise of Hawthorne and in Jada's performance, however, TNT found it's redemption from me in this sleeper by treating viewers to an excellent performance by Hannah Hodson in the role of Camille who is very much the devil's advocate to her mother, nurse Christina Hawthorne. Hannah Hodson literally stole the show right out from underneath Jada Pinkett. Hannah's the one to watch if the pilot is any indication as to the real future of this program and she would be one of the only reasons I would attempt to view this program in the future.

And I'm not sure if this program has any real future with me.

crib to college
mom gets tearful (picture included)
sharkboy's sharkbytes

"And though it was what I wanted before falling asleep and in being kept from sleep, my arms felt empty and my heart was lonely..."

I stood in the center of the living room looking at a fan that was placed in front of an open window that was now blowing the curtains every which direction. I was pondering whether to move the fan or turn down the setting to settle the curtains. I looked over at SharkBoy who had come into the living room and climbed up on the leather couch in front the fan. He was saying, "I'm so hot, Mom. It's too hot in my room." He'd had a very busy day of play and was having not only difficulty settling down from all the play but it was especially hard for him to ease into sleep in a bedroom that was registering 110F with the windows open and fans on. I had gone upstairs to our bedroom to change into jammies myself after a day full of adventure, silly fun, childhood imagination, and lots of laughter. I soon abandoned that idea when I opened the bedroom door and a wave of heat washed over me. I looked over to see what the temp was, it registered 120F. Ew...yuck, much too hot for me, thanks to the vaulted ceiling in the living room (after all, heat rises). I all but flew down the stairs to the living room and decided I was sleeping in my clothes (shorts and tank top) next to a fan that sounded like a jet plane ready to taxi down the runway.

I flopped down into the leather recliner. The leather felt cool on my arms, legs, and feet. Very much a welcome comfort from the sweltering heat outside that had freckled my face and turned me more than a lovely shade of pink (just color me miserable) while socializing with the hubby's family on their back deck which registered 90F that afternoon. The burn had snuck up on me, I didn't feel it through the 60 SPF sunblock I'd liberally smeared on throughout the day more than once "just in case." Once we were back home, I had turned on every single fan in the house and opened all the windows. Presently, I decided to angle the fan differently that was blowing the curtains and "call it good" for the day. As I sat and enjoyed the cool breeze in the recliner, I looked down at my knees. They were now sporting freckles the size of tiny white speckles on an apple. My thoughts went immediately to my Grandma Pauline (now in heaven with God) and I laughed remembering how freckled she used to get when in the sun. She always had freckles but one kiss from the sun, and her freckles had new freckles.

I looked back over at SharkBoy who was sporting nothing but a pair of training pants (we're potty training). There wasn't a freckle on his body, just a deep golden tan that had appeared after just five minutes in the son. "Lucky boy," I thought to myself. He is like his sister, they don't burn or freckle. Both of them just bake a beautiful golden shade of brown within minutes. I can only wish as much for myself. I asked him if he wanted to sleep in the living room where it was cooler and he readily gave a reply of "yes." I settled him on the couch with a light blanket and pillow and did the same for myself in the recliner and turned on the boob tube, tuning the tube to the Food Network. Good Eats was on and Alton Brown was a good viewing choice before sleep completely swept us away. I slowly and peacefully began to fade away into the Land of Nod. Not soon after, I jerked awake to the feeling of something pulling on my blanket and flopping like a heavy cannonball down on my stomach and spilling into my lap. My eyes fluttered open and in a startled state, I looked down to see curled up in my lap as if he was still an infant, was SharkBoy. He weighed what seemed like a ton all rolled up into a ball. There was no way I could lift and carry him back over to the couch, he was comatose, which means "Forget it Jack, that kid's out and not going to wake up for anything except breakfast."

I was now plastered to the recliner under the weight of this little boy causing the sciatica his sister had given me during pregnancy with her and the herniated L4 and L5 discs in my back from pregnancy with Sharkboy, to pierce with excruciating pain that shot from my lower back to my hip and down into my toes. A very painful predicament that had to be remedied immediately. I unstretched his rolled up little body and settled him in next to me in the recliner. Still sleeping, he immediately crawled right back onto my lap and laid his head in the crook of my arm settling into another infant position. I had to laugh at how absurd it looked because he is a little over 3 feet and 7 inches tall at 3 years of age...AND...I quit nursing him a very, very long time ago. [laughs] By now the heat radiating from him combined with my sunburn felt like I was being roasted alive. I struggled to get comfortable and finally gave up trying to figure out a way to get him back to the couch and decided to just curl up with him. Soon the leather on the recliner grew hot, he grew hot against me, and my sunburn felt like it was at a steady broil. Too much misery. SharkBoy was getting heavier and not being able to move in my newly "pinned down status," I couldn't edge over the chair the slightest little bit to move the fan closer.

As I looked at the clock and saw that it was 12:30AM, I was starting to feel a little more than irritated and discontented with every single passing second in my discomfort of this situation until...

I looked down into my arms and realized that I no longer held a little baby boy (toddler), that I held a big boy (preschooler) in them. And that even though he is extremely independent at every turn and beyond his years in maturity, he still sought his mother out like the little baby boy he once was who would cling to my finger afraid to let go and balance on his own to walk. The little boy was now a big boy potty trained, playing on playgrounds at parks, communicating with an excellent vocabulary and sharp wit, and he was choosing every day to exercise independence to the inth degree. This little "big" boy who now was curled up like an infant by choice with his mother, would some day be a grown man. In that moment I realized how fast time had been ticking by and that the day was coming soon enough when he would be shaving, dating, and wouldn't fit on my lap anymore -- not without looking absolutely ridiculous.

So I held him tight, no matter that I was sweating from him being so close in the sweltering 110F temp with the fans blowing miserable warm air. I held him tight, no matter that it made my sunburn feel like fire. I clung to him as he clung to me and cuddled him close until 3AM, when he woke sticky with sweat soaked hair and sleepily opened his eyes saying, "Mommy, you are too hot. It's too hot. I cannot sleep here in this chair with you. You are too hot." He climbed down from my lap as fast as he had climbed up and settled in on the cool leather of the couch. Once again, I covered him with a very light blanket and settled back into the recliner.

And though it was what I wanted before falling asleep and in being kept from sleep, my arms felt empty. My heart was lonely like a mother who misses her child as I watched him sleep on the couch across from the recliner where I sat. I watched him for quite some time brushing away the tears that fell quietly in the dark between us and came to term with the reality that had presented itself more than once this last year.

My "tiny little sweet boy" is not-so-tiny anymore.
 

crib to college
sharkboy's new "do"
sharkboy's sharkbytes

It has been quite awhile since I've posted pictures or video of SharkBoy.
I'm correcting that tonight.
We only get his hair cut when Big Daddy is in for his R&R from work.
It's the only time he will be good for his hair stylist though she absolutely adores him, naughty antics, crying fits, and all.
Big Daddy will get his hair cut too so they have father/son bonding at the stylist. SharkBoy is Big Daddy's shadow.
Big Daddy loads up with goodies for his little man to make the time in the chair easier, this is known as "bribed for good behavior."
After SharkBoy gets his hair washed and is getting combed out as his stylist begins the scissor work, Big Daddy dispenses the goodies.
He feeds SharkBoy chocolate chip cookies from Mrs. Fields and quenches his thirst with an ice cold coca cola to sip.
And I mean he feeds him literally as if he was a little emporer one bite at a time and one sip at a time, dabbing at the corners of his mouth for chocolate and crumbs.
I am the big bad mean mom. I do NOT do this because I EXPECT good behavior or we're going to have discipline issues.
The last time they went into the salon during Mother's Day weekend, SharkBoy chose a style that at first caught me off guard.
After some thought and given his personality when I thought about it, it was actually humorous.
Trying to pull the "mom card," I tried to convince SharkBoy to choose differently.
As is with most of the time, he won only because Big Daddy and I found it amusing.
To date, I have not decided how long I am going to keep this ridiculous hair "do."


Below is a media clip comprised of both pictures and video clips of 3-Year Old SharkBoy during Mother's Day weekend when we took him to to play at a local park pre-haircut. If you cant see the video below, click here

Below is a media clip comprised of both pictures and video clips of 3-Year Old SharkBoy during Memorial Day weekend when I took him to see his grandparents post-haircut. If you cant see the video below, click here